Dear Diary
by Evil Shall Giggle
Summary: Atris' varied attempts at meditation keep bringing her back to that tiny, kathleatherbound book in the corner... AtrisExile


**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Atris, the Exile, the handmaiden, and all those other people. Not mine, not mine, not mine.

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"I shall meditate," Atris said to the handmaiden, keeping her tone as authoritive as possible. The girl nodded, and Atris strode off over the long, narrow bridge to the meditation chambers, still holding the lightsaber of the one she once loved.

She reached out with the Force and opened the doors, stepped through, then let them fall shut behind her. Once inside, she deactivated the lightsaber and carefully placed it back on the little alter she'd constructed for it. The small platform was there solely for all things Lyrin. It was silly and sentimental, she knew, hardly becoming attributes of a Jedi Master. But when the idea had first struck her, she'd found that she could not resist it.

So here she was, standing in front of a tiny table with a lightsaber, a candle she'd _borrowed_ from his kitchen table when he invited her over for dinner one night, a bone hairpin he'd given her when he'd passed his Trials, and a blank book. A small, kath-leather-bound book. He'd presented it to her one day as she met him in the halls. He said… what did he say? He said it was a thank-you gift, she thought. For what, she never knew.

Atris picked it up, running her hand gently over its cover. She flipped through the pages, seeing her tiny scrawl covering most. Letting it fall open to a more wrinkled page, she stared down at the writing. In some spots, it was blurred, as though by water, or… tears. In an instant, she knew what she had written there.

_2nd day of the 4th week of the summer, one o'clock_

_He told me he's leaving today. Well, actually, he told the Council. But I was there, and he said it all looking straight at me._

"_Lyrin," I told him, "It goes against all our teachings. We must—"_

"_We must what, Atris?" he snapped at me. "Wait? Contemplate our actions while innocents suffer and die out there?"_

"_No!" I frowned at him. "We must think before we act. Every single thing we do, no matter how small, has repercussions elsewhere."_

"_Exactly!" his brown eyes bored into my icy blue ones. "And what sort of repercussions do you think you are causing by sitting here, thinking?"_

_Then Vrook spoke up. "Go if you will," he said, his tone exasperated. My gaze darted over to him, and I was sure confusion and annoyance showed on my face. "But be aware that you may no longer be as welcome here as you once were."_

_Lyrin nodded and bowed, and I could feel him keeping his anger in careful check. I'd always admired his ability to do that, to be so enraged, but act as calm as ever. I shook my head slightly as he turned and strode brusquely out of the Council Chambers, his long brown cloak whirling behind him._

_Once he was gone, a collective sigh stirred the air in the room._

"_And so we have lost another," Vrook breathed. Kavar rubbed his temples with a tired hand, and I leaned back in my chair. A few moments passed in silence._

_On the spur of an impulse, I stood, and without a word, rushed from the Chamber. My booted feet thudded against the stone floor, cracking the silence like a rock would glass. I picked up a run once I was out of sight of the Council room._

"_Lyrin!" I called, seeing his quickly retreating back heading up the ramp that lead to the landing pad. A stiff breeze pushed against us, making my white robes fly out to the side. "Lyrin!" I shouted again when he didn't stop._

_He must have heard me that time, because he turned and looked at me. I trotted up to him, brushing my hair away from my face with one hand. As I reached him, I threw my arms around his neck and planted a firm kiss on his lips. He kissed me back, winding his arms around my neck…_

_No. well, that's what I should have done. (Funny how I can't even lie to a diary. I mean, it's a _book_, for the Force's sake.) Wait, maybe I would have done _this_. It seems a bit more like me._

"_And so we have lost another," Vrook breathed. Kavar rubbed his temples with a tired hand, and I leaned back in my chair. A few moments passed in silence._

_On the spur of an impulse, I stood, and without a word, rushed from the Chamber. My booted feet thudded against the stone floor, cracking the silence like a rock would glass. I picked up a run once I was out of sight of the Council room._

"_Lyrin!" I called, seeing his quickly retreating back heading up the ramp that lead to the landing pad. A stiff breeze pushed against us, making my white robes fly out to the side. "Lyrin!" I shouted again when he didn't stop._

_He must have heard me that time, because he turned and looked at me. I trotted up to him, brushing my hair away from my face with one hand. The first drops of rain splashed onto my face._

"_What?" he asked. His harsh tone almost made me wince physically._

_I stared up at him, my mind blank. What should I say? Then, unable to hold his icy glare, I bowed my head and bit my lip. I stared at my feet, cursing my weakness. I knew I looked like a fool, standing in front of him, embarrassed and on the verge of blushing like a Twi'lek schoolgirl._

"_I…" I began weakly, "I wanted to…"_

"_Tell me off again?" he demanded. I raised my eyes, suddenly furious with him for being so callous. Couldn't he see that I was trying to tell him my feelings?_

"_Fool." I snapped. "I came to say goodbye."_

_My eyebrows drew together in a harsh frown and I turned around. As I began to walk away, I felt the alien sensation of tears pricking at my eyes. I quickened my pace so he wouldn't see how pathetic I was._

_A hand on my shoulder halted me dead in my tracks. I froze, not daring to turn._

"_Atris," he said gently. I squeezed my eyes shut, taking a deep, shuddering breath. One hot tear squished out from my right eye and trickled down my cheek, stopping halfway. Another hand came to rest on my other shoulder, and suddenly, I was standing pressed up against something warm and solid._

_I hesitantly opened my eyes and saw the coarse fabric of his tunic. He was… hugging me? I stood petrified for one more second, then brought my hands up and clutched at his robes, more tears tumbling freely down my face. Some part of me was ashamed to be so broken like this, but my heart knew it was right. After all, I might not ever see him again. I looked up into his face, finding him looking back down at me. Slowly, he lowered his head until…_

_Must all my little fantasies end in kissing? This must not fall into the hands of Vrook. He would have my head if he were to find it._

Here, Atris stopped reading briefly and smiled ruefully. _I had been such a fool back then, _she thought, _believing he could love one such as me._ She shook her head, and continued.

_This. This is what actually happened._

"_And so we have lost another," Vrook breathed. Kavar rubbed his temples with a tired hand, and I leaned back in my chair. I closed my eyes, willing the tears to leave. _Go away! _I thought angrily. _I will not weep!

_They nearly won our little battle, pricking through my eyelids until I had to blink them away. even then, they clung to my eyelashes, clumping them together and making my eyes feel swollen and fuzzy._

"_Meeting… over," said Vandar, and various Council Members stood and walked slowly from the room, me among them._

_That was when I fled to my chambers, barely managing to restrain myself to a walk until I was out of the other's sight. I flung myself onto my bed in a very unJedi-like manner and cried. Yes, I cried. Me, Atris, the untouchable, the cold, the (sometimes) heartless, crying like a child. For the first time in so many years. And it felt good._

_My eyes are still puffy, and every now and then, a stray tear drips onto these pages. I really should be more careful, after all, _he _gave me this book. I don't want to ruin it._

_I wonder if it was something I did. Maybe I was too cold to him? Am I too ugly? Too fat, perhaps? Maybe he doesn't like my hair. After all, when humans get old, their hair turn white like mine is. But I'm only twenty-seven! I was born like this! It's so unfair. I hate being Echani._

Atris shook her head again, snapping the book closed. She set it aside, sat, crossed her legs, and sank into meditation, trying to clear her mind of him. Trying to clear her mind of that infuriatingly cocky man who'd she'd grown to love. Of the Exile, of Lyrin.

Vrook's words from so long ago kept echoing in her mind, refusing to be silenced.

_And so we have lost another…_


End file.
